Just a side note, this was in my drafts before I wrote that I would summarize everything, & this was already completed. So read it & weep. Or laugh, i'd much prefer laughter cuz i'm trying to be humerus ;) with this blog.
I never understood how I could never fit in. I discovered later in life that that's simply because, I was never meant to. My personality & my interests are on a spectrum that most "average" people would not understand. I'm very odd & I'm fine with that. It makes me unique (like everyone else, but this type of uniqueness is, different).
I'll be getting into my interests eventually.
About fitting in, though. Once I transferred schools for the final time I joined in the middle of the school year in 7th grade. I believe it was because they wouldn't accept me in 8th (which is the grade I was in) because I hadn't completed their requirements - or whatever. It's all nonsense no matter how you slice it.
I have never met any group of people that were the definition of "xenophobic" until this point in my life. It was actually insane how different it was going from one school & being accepted on buddy day to going to another for a similar thing and being treated like you don't exist. For no reason. & I know for a fact that it was for no reason because once I got comfortable enough, I actually ASKED the girl who I was buddied with why she had such a problem with me & her response was, "I don't know, I just don't like you." The sheer stupidity of people bothered me even at that age. Worst was, she was one of three girls who had that mentality, and one in particular stuck through high school and her piss poor attitude literally never changed. She never matured. It's sad but, it isn't my problem. She got her karma when my history teacher in Junior year literally told her to shut up because she was intentionally interrupting my presentation. Karma, people. It's real. She even got genuinely enraged because I ended up walking behind her while I was walking home from school...She lived up the block from me. This was high school, but can you imagine walking home, minding your own damn business, and you turn a corner a block from your house only for some psycho you attended school with to be so mad she threatens to punch you, just for walking home. Thank god her friend was with her speaking logic and reminding her that I was simply walking home and she needs to, "calm the fuck down, you're getting so mad for no reason". Again, Karma. :) (When you're so miserable even your FRIEND has to call you out - I can't even imagine what that must be like).
She was nuts, but she was nothing in comparison to the genuine sociopath (bordering on psychosis) I dealt with in high school.
Back to the story, so buddy day saw absolutely no one trying to get to know me, instead everyone behaved like I had some contagious disease or looked at me like I was some sort of failed science experiment as opposed to someone with undiagnosed mental health issues at that young of an age whose just trying to make friends.
Now, I decided to attend this school & cried on the first day & got looked at even WORSE because of that. Because although I was leaving a comfortable environment, where I had friends, it was toxic. It's true that people stay in toxic environments or relationships because you HAVE a job, or a significant other, or in my case - friends. There is comfort in the toxicity, no matter how much it hurts, it hurts even worse to move on. But it's necessary. It's part of growth and no one ever said growth was comfortable (think of the growing pains you had as a kid, shit hurt, no? but you grew). People asked me later on in the year why I cried on my first day & my simple response was, "I left my friends to come here & you all refuse to speak to me for no reason, imagine how difficult that is for someone. I left because I got bullied and this is the same". The small minded individuals I had the displeasure to attend school with couldn't process such logic.
I spent all of 7th grade alone & constantly judged. Example, I didn't know how to debate (still don't) & when we had debates in class and I got called out for not chiming in with my opinion & got picked on by my classmates my simple response to both them and my teacher was, "I have no opinion on this therefore i'm not speaking about it." The topic I was abortion and the head bitch (the one that got told to shut up eventually) was like, "HOW CAN YOU NOT HAVE AN OPINION ON ABORTION? AREN'T YOU AFFECTED BY ABORTION?" - how about this is 7th grade? Why are we discussing this in....7th grade? What's on my mind most of the day is going home & getting through tutoring so I can spend the rest of the night relaxing & decompressing.
I couldn't keep forcing myself to be nice to a group of people I so vehemently despised.
I forgot to mention: another girl came to school the same day as I did, & in a similar situation (only she came to this school for the learning disability program, not cuz she got bullied every day), she got welcomed into her program and immediately became one of the most popular girls up until we graduated high school. Pretentious is the word i'd use for my classmates. & maybe a little disconnected.
Eventually 8th grade came around. We got a new student. New student got treated the same way I did. Her locker was right next to mine, so one day I introduced myself & said, "I was new last year and no on spoke to me, so i'm here to change that cycle. I'm D---." We became close friends & because the universe hated me at the time, she also became the single most popular person in our class. Meanwhile I was her friend first, because I refused to behave like the other morons. AND everyone shit talked her behind her back whenever she wasn't around. But then pretend like she's the greatest thing since white bread when she IS around - and I still got treated like shit on the bottom of their shoes. No one could question my loyalty because I never chimed in with bad things & also never told her what people were saying because I was of the mindset that she will find out eventually, but not by me.
When she did find out (not by me), her feelings were very much hurt (obviously) but she brushed it off. Aaaaaand continued to talk to those same people. Smh (shaking my head).
I eventually survived 8th grade - I was the typical emo kid, except blonde. I had the sweeping bangs, the taste in music, and genuine dislike for everyone and everything (school related, that is).
I can't remember any specific moments of bullying here because I really did keep to myself, and that was easy since no one cared if I was there or not. I did get picked on for having a crush though, once again - the best looking guy in our grade but he was the biggest jerk (i'm being nice here. It turned out he was a raging racist misogynist) in existence. He never really picked on me, and when he did I stood my ground. Eventually he left me alone and when he did feel so inclined to speak to me it was never rude, cuz I wasn't taking any shit from anyone. But he as a human being is deplorable, I won't get into that.
After high school, which is next, and will probably be my longest post, I will get in to coping mechanisms as well as my thought processes during these times. That's when it gets dark so, be prepared.